This week I cut my hair. It started as a few inches off, then a few more. I walked around with it short for about a day and a half and when I came back from my Sunday morning walk, I handed my husband the clippers and said, take the rest off.

You see, I’ve been wanting to cut my hair for some time now. We’re talking years. For the past two years, since shortly after we moved to Mexico in 2016, I’ve wanted to cut my hair. And I’ve brought it up before but when I have, most people have told me that they love my hair, that it’s big and beautiful and that I’d be crazy to cut it. But for me, it was baggage. It was weighing me down physically and spiritually.

Now, that might sound extreme. But in truth, my hair has always been a source of frustration and even shame for me.

It began when I was small

Growing up a curly girl in a house with a mom who had a completely different hair type was hard. She did the absolute best she could to style it but it was always a little fuzzy. Attending a mostly white elementary school meant my hair was a constant ‘attraction’ and not always in a good way. Progressing to a high school where my hair was considered ‘good hair’ but I had little interest, know-how or money to actually make it look ‘good’, my hair became a burden that I had to bear.

I’ve had short hair before. I’ve had waist-length locs before. I’ve had flat-ironed hair and I’ve had colored hair. I’ve tried different stylists, different products, taking more time, getting more accessories, the works. I’ve tried most everything. Except for the thing I wanted to try the most.

Just getting rid of it.

I mean, we talk about letting go of toxic relationships. We talk about Marie Kondo’ing our closets. We talk about walking away from jobs that undervalue us or from situations that bring us frustration. Why hadn’t I done the same with my hair? Why couldn’t I just walk away from this toxic relationship? I mean, we’ve been in it for 34 years now…Haven’t I tried long enough?

The Questions

I think I stayed so long because I didn’t know what was on the other side. I wasn’t sure what life would be like without this thing that had, essentially, defined who I was for so long. By societal definition, isn’t a woman someone with long hair? Isn’t a woman someone who takes extra time beautifying herself in the mornings? Isn’t a woman someone who is praised for her looks? What would I be without the thing that society looks at as her womanhood?

Is a woman even a woman without her hair?

What would I be, who would I be, where would I be without my hair?

You wanna know what I’d be…Who I am?

I am a woman. I am me AFudge. And I am right freakin’ here.

The moment the cut was finished and I took a look in the mirror I knew that this was it. This was the freedom I had been looking for all along. This was the ME I was intended to be. I was free from the burden of this meaningless thing that had held me back. All the feelings of not measuring up fell away. All the feelings of not being beautiful, of not fitting in, of not getting things ‘just right’ simply fell to the ground along with my hair. I swept it all up and tossed it all in the trash.

It. Was. Liberating.

Looking back, I have to ask myself why I didn’t do this sooner? Why was I continuing to wrestle with something that was so easily stripped away? Why did I think that something bad would happen if I did it? I was plagued by worry that others wouldn’t approve. That I wouldn’t be accepted, that I would lose something. Instead, I found something. Me.

Pure, Unashamed, Unafraid, Unencumbered Me.

The Revelation

Our God loves us with an everlasting love. He has drawn each and every one of us with loving kindness. Our God knew us before we knew ourselves and he knows us better than anyone ever will. He does not judge our hair He judges our character. He wants happiness and wholeness and clarity for all of His children.

It took me realizing all this to understand that no matter what I did (or didn’t do) with my hair, in the end-game, none of it would matter. I’ve discovered that the hair itself was not the problem. It was the burden it bestowed. My God showed me that there was no need to continue carrying an unnecessary load and that it was okay to be cut myself free.

Sometimes we just have to cut ourselves free from our burdens in order to see who we really are and who we are truly meant to be.

I did and I’ve never felt closer to Him than I do right now.

— GML–

Have you been considering cutting yourself free from something? A problematic relationship, living up to the ‘perfect mom’ standards, a difficult job, or any other ongoing issue?

If so, I encourage you to take one small step towards releasing yourself from it, today. Whether it be decluttering a closet, having a hard conversation with a friend, or simply saying ‘no’ to something or someone, do it.

God does not want you living in turmoil. His love and acceptance are everlasting and your value and worth are immeasurable.

It is time for you to release!