Some days it feels like I say these words one-thousand times and I’m still not heard. Parenting three preschoolers is no small task and it often feels like I’m more of an MMA referee than a loving parent! “Just keep your hands to yourself,” has become a phrase I find myself using more and more as they grow, take up more space and assert their own independence. We even have a little rhyme, “We do not use our hands to hit, we do not use our feet to kick.” Despite my incentives (and punishments) hands still hit, feet still kick and in the end someone (usually the middle one) ends up in tears. They’re little. They’ll learn. Right?
With the recent (completely legitimate and undeniably necessary) uproar surrounding the lenient sentencing of the Stanford-swim-team-darling-turned-vicious-rapist, the intersection between affluence, racism and privilege and the safety of students (women in particular) on college campuses that has stormed media as of late, these six words ring truer and truer to me as a parent of young (black) boys.
JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF
Did Brock Turner’s parents teach him this when he was young? I can’t imagine a parent not warning their child about the dangers and consequences of invading others’ personal space without invitation. However, when his father (the person who should have said just keep your hands to yourself) writes a letter asking for leniency because certainly, “20 minutes of action,” should not scar him for the rest of his life, it makes me think otherwise. When his father (a parent, like myself) argues that his rapist son would be better off teaching others about the dangers of underage drinking rather than serving a substantial amount of time in prison reflecting on his crime, I cringe. When this father (a man who continues to perpetuate rape culture in defense of his rapist son) worries that his son no longer desires steak dinners and has somehow lost his, “easy-going personality”, my mind simply screams in anger (read more of the letter here).
This is a perfect storm of what happens when cultural privilege, class, race, sex and influence all work in your favor. Six months. SIX MONTHS. Six months for rape. Six months for intentionally taking advantage of a defenseless woman. Six months for moving in darkness like a predatory animal. Six months for irrevocably altering the life of a young woman because he couldn’t just keep his hands to himself. Men of color, men of slighter privilege, men of less education, less money and lower social standing have been convicted for much longer for far less. In what world do we accept that his sentence was made lenient because a judge was fearful of the, “negative effect,” a harsher prison term would have upon him? Oh, that’s right, a world where we charge black protesters with lynching, a world where a man who is openly backed by the KKK is running for the Presidency (and doing well) and a world where women are STILL regarded as second-class citizens and in some ways, are treated with less regard than a 450-lb gorilla named Harambe.
So, to my little black boys, just keep your hands to yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Remember the love that you have for your sister and do not invade others’ personal space without consent. I will not perpetuate rape culture. I do not ascribe to the, “boys will be boys,” mentality and neither should you. I hold you to a high standard. I hold you to a standard that has been set by the strong, honest, trustworthy men of your family that have come before you. I hold you to a standard that is required to keep not only you safe, but also those around you. I will not be able to be by your side every single day as you grow, but I am prayerful that my words stay with you and serve as a reminder of how to behave when confronted with such a situation. Be a gentleman. Be polite. Be thoughtful and respectful. And last but not least, just keep your hands to yourself.
*If you haven’t had a chance to read the letter written by the survivor of this heinous act, please read her heartfelt and compelling letter here.*